I Figured it Out
Well....I didn't completely figure it out, but I think I've come quite close. Okay I'm not close at all, but I have words; words to describe my heart right now, and that's pretty significant for me.
So here goes:
Hidden.
Anonymous.
Unseen.
These are my words; and good grief it's only taken me about six or seven months to figure it out! Welcome to another episode of, "God is doing something in your life right now, you just don't know what it is yet". I've walked this road before (shameless plug, but click here to read about it), and I remember dramatically defining my life as hopeless and that nothing good was ever going to come out of that season. I remember just wanting to lock myself in my dorm and not come out and ignore all my responsibilities because I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore. I remember the few times I sat in the laundry room in the early hours of the morning with tears running down my face, questioning God's purpose on my life and why he ever chose me to be in ministry in the first place.
And most of all I remember coming out of that season with a feeling of such relief, such joy, such understanding about what it was God was doing in my heart at that present time that I thought I could burst. Yet now I find myself in a similar state once again: questioning God, questioning my call, questioning everything and anything about my purpose.
A few weeks ago I found a book called Anonymous: Jesus' Hidden Years and Yours. As I read about the book on the back cover I figured it sounded like a good read, but I wasn't ready for the impact that the few chapters in the beginning would have on my heart already. The author talks about how these hidden places God brings us to aren't for nothing; they serve a great purpose that we don't see on the surface. We want the big and flashy, but it's in the quiet preparations of the soul that God is doing incredible work even if it might take years for it to come to fruition.
The author also talks about how Jesus lived his life the same way: born, and then hidden years. Visited by the Magi, and then hidden years. Found teaching and talking with those in the temple at the age of twelve, and then hidden once again for almost two decades before the most talked about portion of his life - the ministry and work he did, and his death and resurrection. But those hidden years were not wasted in Jesus' life, they were a gift.
These seasons of hiddenness in my life are a gift that I have been missing out on. I've been so concerned with trying to get out of it just so I can feel genuine when I tell people I'm doing well. I've been so concerned with trying to get out of it that I dream up my next steps in life so I can feel like I have something to look forward to, and ignore everything about where I presently am. But in my trying to get out of it, I know I'm going to miss something incredible before the something incredible happens.
And so I will do what God has been teaching me to do best: wait.
I might not save the world tomorrow; I might not save the world ever.
I might never have my burst-through-the-door-like-a-superhero moment; I might have that moment in the next two decades! Thankfully what I do have is the grace and mercy of the Lord in this season right now as I navigate what will continue to be my pattern of life (new growth, fruitfulness, transition, rest), and learn how to identify each stage of the pattern.
To anyone who feels anonymous right now despite whatever dreams and passions may be pressing on your heart, embrace this season. Your anonymity will not always be permanent.
So here goes:
Hidden.
Anonymous.
Unseen.
These are my words; and good grief it's only taken me about six or seven months to figure it out! Welcome to another episode of, "God is doing something in your life right now, you just don't know what it is yet". I've walked this road before (shameless plug, but click here to read about it), and I remember dramatically defining my life as hopeless and that nothing good was ever going to come out of that season. I remember just wanting to lock myself in my dorm and not come out and ignore all my responsibilities because I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore. I remember the few times I sat in the laundry room in the early hours of the morning with tears running down my face, questioning God's purpose on my life and why he ever chose me to be in ministry in the first place.
And most of all I remember coming out of that season with a feeling of such relief, such joy, such understanding about what it was God was doing in my heart at that present time that I thought I could burst. Yet now I find myself in a similar state once again: questioning God, questioning my call, questioning everything and anything about my purpose.
A few weeks ago I found a book called Anonymous: Jesus' Hidden Years and Yours. As I read about the book on the back cover I figured it sounded like a good read, but I wasn't ready for the impact that the few chapters in the beginning would have on my heart already. The author talks about how these hidden places God brings us to aren't for nothing; they serve a great purpose that we don't see on the surface. We want the big and flashy, but it's in the quiet preparations of the soul that God is doing incredible work even if it might take years for it to come to fruition.
The author also talks about how Jesus lived his life the same way: born, and then hidden years. Visited by the Magi, and then hidden years. Found teaching and talking with those in the temple at the age of twelve, and then hidden once again for almost two decades before the most talked about portion of his life - the ministry and work he did, and his death and resurrection. But those hidden years were not wasted in Jesus' life, they were a gift.
These seasons of hiddenness in my life are a gift that I have been missing out on. I've been so concerned with trying to get out of it just so I can feel genuine when I tell people I'm doing well. I've been so concerned with trying to get out of it that I dream up my next steps in life so I can feel like I have something to look forward to, and ignore everything about where I presently am. But in my trying to get out of it, I know I'm going to miss something incredible before the something incredible happens.
And so I will do what God has been teaching me to do best: wait.
I might not save the world tomorrow; I might not save the world ever.
I might never have my burst-through-the-door-like-a-superhero moment; I might have that moment in the next two decades! Thankfully what I do have is the grace and mercy of the Lord in this season right now as I navigate what will continue to be my pattern of life (new growth, fruitfulness, transition, rest), and learn how to identify each stage of the pattern.
To anyone who feels anonymous right now despite whatever dreams and passions may be pressing on your heart, embrace this season. Your anonymity will not always be permanent.
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