The Great Disconnect: A Place to Call Home
I have always believed in the phrase "Home is Where the Heart is" no matter how cliche it sounds to normal ears. I believe that where your heart is that is where your greatest joy lies, and this is something I have been lacking in for quite some time.
Lacking what? Lacking Joy? Yes I've been lacking joy, and part of me thinks it is because I have also been lacking a place to call home.
I will never understand the process (or the emotional damage) of the foster care system on children, but what I feel I can relate to is the bouncing back and forth between homes all the time. I'm American, so that is where my true home is, but I am only there about four months out of the year; therefore, there is constant bouncing back and forth between two time zones which seems to cause me to feel tired all the time.
While I am home in America my heart yearns to be back in Canada where what feels like my "true" home is, but even while I am at school I still feel a disconnect with the people and places around me. Remember those awkward middle school years where all you wanted was to feel accepted? I'm 21 and I feel like that.
I have friends but they have other friends and maybe I just lack being intentional at connecting with them, and I'm probably just being whiny right now. I feel like no matter what tasks I try to accomplish, no matter what leadership position I find myself in, no matter who I am spending time with, I don't seem to fit in anywhere and at the end of the day all I want is to close myself off and not have any people interactions.
Last night at church I wrote something in the back of my journal and it said,
I suppose a question I could pose if anyone out there is actually reading this is,
Where is home to your heart?
Lacking what? Lacking Joy? Yes I've been lacking joy, and part of me thinks it is because I have also been lacking a place to call home.
I will never understand the process (or the emotional damage) of the foster care system on children, but what I feel I can relate to is the bouncing back and forth between homes all the time. I'm American, so that is where my true home is, but I am only there about four months out of the year; therefore, there is constant bouncing back and forth between two time zones which seems to cause me to feel tired all the time.
While I am home in America my heart yearns to be back in Canada where what feels like my "true" home is, but even while I am at school I still feel a disconnect with the people and places around me. Remember those awkward middle school years where all you wanted was to feel accepted? I'm 21 and I feel like that.
I have friends but they have other friends and maybe I just lack being intentional at connecting with them, and I'm probably just being whiny right now. I feel like no matter what tasks I try to accomplish, no matter what leadership position I find myself in, no matter who I am spending time with, I don't seem to fit in anywhere and at the end of the day all I want is to close myself off and not have any people interactions.
Last night at church I wrote something in the back of my journal and it said,
"God, I know worship is not contingent on my feelings, but how can I worship You where my heart feels like it's elsewhere? Lord I don't know where my home is; please show it to me."Essentially, I just want to feel like I am somewhere that I belong. Recently I have simply felt unappreciated and disrespected at my "home" here at Kingswood, and all I can do is cry out to God and ask Him to put me in a place where I can stop feeling so restless all the time.
I suppose a question I could pose if anyone out there is actually reading this is,
Where is home to your heart?
Could the lack-of-home feeling come from the fact that this world isn't your home? I feel similarly sometimes...especially when I'm frustrated that I don't have what I perceive other people my age have (house, good job, more kids, more friends, deeper friends, and on and on). Yet, those things are never things God promises. They're good things. But not promises. Following God means that I might not get some of those things when *I* want them and within *my* plans.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I want a house. A literal home. But even without an actual building, my heart can still have a home. I've found that when I'm walking in obedience to God, my heart is at home. :)