Curse God and Die
I feel like all I've done is reflect on and then complain about how "terrible" life has been for me since coming to Michigan. I've whined, lashed out, raged, rolled my eyes, cried, and screamed about it on multiple occasions. Sometimes publicly, mostly privately (you're welcome for that), and it's pretty much been just short of a complete, toddler-style temper tantrum.
From within this wide range of reactions, the majority of my anger has been focused in the one area where I feel like it never should have been: towards God. Sometimes it has been directed to other people in a desperate attempt to play the victim card, but at least 99% of my blame game has been directed to the one who I feel is personally responsible for all of this.
You brought me here, Lord.
You called me to this place.
You provided means and opportunity.
You did this to me.
At first it was easy to be angry. It was easy to shift blame and not take responsibility for my decisions, and then wonder why God was "causing" these bad things to happen with jobs and relationships and finances and everything in between. It felt easier to yell and rage and cry and beg God to take me away from here because it wasn't what I wanted, regardless of what his plan was in all of it.
Selfish brat, party of one; trust me, it's not a good look.
As I've seen how much I've grown since this time last year, and even now when I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on things and I just might be right where God wants me, it still feels like shit keeps hitting the fan with my life in small doses and at the most random times. It has caused me think about and reflect on the story of Job and the suffering he endured. Although I'd love to be really dramatic about it and tell you my "sufferings" are just like his were, there is absolutely nothing that has happened to me that could possibly compare.
However, the more I focus on the bad instead of the blessings the stronger it comes: that tricky, deceiving, and destructive voice of doubt, waiting to swallow me whole, packaged around the words of Job's wife in chapter 2: "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die."
Just do it. Just take everything you have ever known to be true about God's character, take every experience you have had of his faithfulness, take every Sunday school lesson, every worship song, every piece of Scripture, everything you've learned in school and in your entire life about this loving and caring and providing God and throw it away because He's obviously forgotten about you. Just get real mad and cry and demand God comes through right this second like you've done for the past 2 years, or just give up altogether.
It's incredible how fast we can go from believing truth when seasons are good, to giving into lies when seasons seem bad. I wouldn't call this a bad season though...
I would call it a trying one, but not a bad one. What's different about it is that my reactions are different. Sure there's still a bit of frustration (and sometimes just as many tears), but the response of my heart is to praise instead of pout. My response is to remember instead of rage. When this thought creeps up in my head to "just do it already" I have to physically (out loud) tell myself, "No! I will not curse God because I have no reason to!" In my remembering, I have to keep telling myself that God has never let me down before so what makes me think He will this time?
I subscribe to a weekly devotional that is all about finding freedom in Christ to live a life full of possibility and purpose. This week's devotional was about remembering the fact that God sees me, the very depths of myself and my soul that I still have yet to uncover and understand. He sees me in the midst of tough places and during the times when I don't give myself enough grace. And you, beloved daughter or son of the King, He sees you too. In the midst of your struggle, in the midst of what may seem like a hard or trying season, don't give into the lie that it would be better for you to just curse God and be done with it. He will be faithful to see you through even if it's not what you thought it would look like.
That's a reminder I have to step into each day with, and maybe it's one that you need as well.
He always was, always is, and always will be faithful.
From within this wide range of reactions, the majority of my anger has been focused in the one area where I feel like it never should have been: towards God. Sometimes it has been directed to other people in a desperate attempt to play the victim card, but at least 99% of my blame game has been directed to the one who I feel is personally responsible for all of this.
You brought me here, Lord.
You called me to this place.
You provided means and opportunity.
You did this to me.
At first it was easy to be angry. It was easy to shift blame and not take responsibility for my decisions, and then wonder why God was "causing" these bad things to happen with jobs and relationships and finances and everything in between. It felt easier to yell and rage and cry and beg God to take me away from here because it wasn't what I wanted, regardless of what his plan was in all of it.
Selfish brat, party of one; trust me, it's not a good look.
As I've seen how much I've grown since this time last year, and even now when I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on things and I just might be right where God wants me, it still feels like shit keeps hitting the fan with my life in small doses and at the most random times. It has caused me think about and reflect on the story of Job and the suffering he endured. Although I'd love to be really dramatic about it and tell you my "sufferings" are just like his were, there is absolutely nothing that has happened to me that could possibly compare.
However, the more I focus on the bad instead of the blessings the stronger it comes: that tricky, deceiving, and destructive voice of doubt, waiting to swallow me whole, packaged around the words of Job's wife in chapter 2: "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die."
Just do it. Just take everything you have ever known to be true about God's character, take every experience you have had of his faithfulness, take every Sunday school lesson, every worship song, every piece of Scripture, everything you've learned in school and in your entire life about this loving and caring and providing God and throw it away because He's obviously forgotten about you. Just get real mad and cry and demand God comes through right this second like you've done for the past 2 years, or just give up altogether.
It's incredible how fast we can go from believing truth when seasons are good, to giving into lies when seasons seem bad. I wouldn't call this a bad season though...
I would call it a trying one, but not a bad one. What's different about it is that my reactions are different. Sure there's still a bit of frustration (and sometimes just as many tears), but the response of my heart is to praise instead of pout. My response is to remember instead of rage. When this thought creeps up in my head to "just do it already" I have to physically (out loud) tell myself, "No! I will not curse God because I have no reason to!" In my remembering, I have to keep telling myself that God has never let me down before so what makes me think He will this time?
I subscribe to a weekly devotional that is all about finding freedom in Christ to live a life full of possibility and purpose. This week's devotional was about remembering the fact that God sees me, the very depths of myself and my soul that I still have yet to uncover and understand. He sees me in the midst of tough places and during the times when I don't give myself enough grace. And you, beloved daughter or son of the King, He sees you too. In the midst of your struggle, in the midst of what may seem like a hard or trying season, don't give into the lie that it would be better for you to just curse God and be done with it. He will be faithful to see you through even if it's not what you thought it would look like.
That's a reminder I have to step into each day with, and maybe it's one that you need as well.
He always was, always is, and always will be faithful.
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