How Are you?
I have come to quite dislike this question.
I understand people have good intentions in asking it, but sometimes I just don't really want to answer it. Why does it matter how I'm doing? Why do you need to know how I'm doing? What do you plan on doing with the information I'm sharing about how I'm doing? For any who are familiar with the nine Eneagram types, this is my "5" personality coming out; I'm not trying to be a jerk by not answering your question, I just don't like feeling like I'm being infringed upon.
Even in the midst of my worst seasons and low points (especially over the last little while), slapping on a smile and giving an enthusiastic "Great thanks!" felt like the normal thing to do. That was all I felt like I had the energy to do to move the conversation off of me, trying to avoid any other extra questions. It was my desperate attempt to forget about the fact that all I could feel was an unexplainable numbness; that I didn't actually know how I was feeling; that I was trying to convince myself that I was fine when I wasn't. Trying to fake your way through a season of being ridiculously unhealthy takes a toll on you after a while though. Feeling fake happy is exhausting, and you can only beam from ear to ear and then turn around and roll your eyes so many times in the course of a day. I'm surprised my eyes didn't fall out of my head...
There was always this slight anxiety I had that I was never going to escape this. I felt like I had completely convinced myself that I would never be able to truthfully answer this question again because I would get used to faking it every time someone asked. I realized that I had begun to answer it truthfully when my answer turned into "I'm alright" or "I've been better" or even "You know...not really that great". I was in a place that was so unhealthy I didn't really care what my answer was anymore, I just wanted people to stop asking.
Much to my disliking, the question still gets asked.
But there's a different answer these days than there was at this time last year, or even six months ago.
It's an answer that is rooted in truthfulness. An answer rooted in authenticity, sincerity, and healing.
Better.
It was the answer I gave to someone I used to work with that I hadn't seen in a while. It's the answer I think of when I'm the one asking myself how I'm doing. It's the answer I thank God for because he is gracious and faithful and all of the things he has always been to me whether I've been at my worst or my best.
Difficult seasons come and go; some stay longer than we feel they should, but we can sometimes forget there is purpose on the other side of them. I'm not sure I could tell you quite yet (or maybe ever) what the purpose of all of this has been for me the last little while, but what I can tell you is that it hasn't been wasted. Even though it has felt like I keep getting knocked down each time I feel like I'm recovering from the last blow, I know that there is reward in the perseverance of faith. There's no promise of an easy life when you follow Jesus, and absolutely would I trade these last two years for cushy and easy. But where's the fun in that? :)
It's an incredible feeling experiencing grace upon grace. Not just from God (which blows my mind every time), but from others who know the pain and the struggle you have walked in and are still there to be with you through it even when you feel like there's no coming back. I love to brag on the incredible people God has placed in my life because without them I'm not sure how I would survive these difficult seasons without their counsel and wisdom being spoken into my life.
Finding healing and freedom has been the best feeling. In no sense do I feel like I'm on top of the world or like I'm about to go conquer a Mount Everest-type challenge any time soon, but it's good to feel healthy.
I feel better about answering this question now: "So, how are you?"
Better.
I understand people have good intentions in asking it, but sometimes I just don't really want to answer it. Why does it matter how I'm doing? Why do you need to know how I'm doing? What do you plan on doing with the information I'm sharing about how I'm doing? For any who are familiar with the nine Eneagram types, this is my "5" personality coming out; I'm not trying to be a jerk by not answering your question, I just don't like feeling like I'm being infringed upon.
Even in the midst of my worst seasons and low points (especially over the last little while), slapping on a smile and giving an enthusiastic "Great thanks!" felt like the normal thing to do. That was all I felt like I had the energy to do to move the conversation off of me, trying to avoid any other extra questions. It was my desperate attempt to forget about the fact that all I could feel was an unexplainable numbness; that I didn't actually know how I was feeling; that I was trying to convince myself that I was fine when I wasn't. Trying to fake your way through a season of being ridiculously unhealthy takes a toll on you after a while though. Feeling fake happy is exhausting, and you can only beam from ear to ear and then turn around and roll your eyes so many times in the course of a day. I'm surprised my eyes didn't fall out of my head...
There was always this slight anxiety I had that I was never going to escape this. I felt like I had completely convinced myself that I would never be able to truthfully answer this question again because I would get used to faking it every time someone asked. I realized that I had begun to answer it truthfully when my answer turned into "I'm alright" or "I've been better" or even "You know...not really that great". I was in a place that was so unhealthy I didn't really care what my answer was anymore, I just wanted people to stop asking.
Much to my disliking, the question still gets asked.
But there's a different answer these days than there was at this time last year, or even six months ago.
It's an answer that is rooted in truthfulness. An answer rooted in authenticity, sincerity, and healing.
Better.
It was the answer I gave to someone I used to work with that I hadn't seen in a while. It's the answer I think of when I'm the one asking myself how I'm doing. It's the answer I thank God for because he is gracious and faithful and all of the things he has always been to me whether I've been at my worst or my best.
Difficult seasons come and go; some stay longer than we feel they should, but we can sometimes forget there is purpose on the other side of them. I'm not sure I could tell you quite yet (or maybe ever) what the purpose of all of this has been for me the last little while, but what I can tell you is that it hasn't been wasted. Even though it has felt like I keep getting knocked down each time I feel like I'm recovering from the last blow, I know that there is reward in the perseverance of faith. There's no promise of an easy life when you follow Jesus, and absolutely would I trade these last two years for cushy and easy. But where's the fun in that? :)
It's an incredible feeling experiencing grace upon grace. Not just from God (which blows my mind every time), but from others who know the pain and the struggle you have walked in and are still there to be with you through it even when you feel like there's no coming back. I love to brag on the incredible people God has placed in my life because without them I'm not sure how I would survive these difficult seasons without their counsel and wisdom being spoken into my life.
Finding healing and freedom has been the best feeling. In no sense do I feel like I'm on top of the world or like I'm about to go conquer a Mount Everest-type challenge any time soon, but it's good to feel healthy.
I feel better about answering this question now: "So, how are you?"
Better.
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