Abandonment Issues
I don't know how it feels to watch one of your parents walk out the door and never come back home. I don't know how it feels to have a significant other give up completely in a relationship.
I don't know what it's like because I've never experienced it, but I think I'm starting to understand how it might feel.
The sudden instability of life, the lies you begin to tell yourself, the guilt you feel of not fixing something sooner or saying something earlier. The hurt, the loss, the grief that follows. All the things I know I've been feeling lately as I continue to process the events of the last five months, and trying to find the good that will come out of it all.
I have this horrible, lingering feeling of abandonment and it plagues my heart and causes me to forget the hope I've found in what amount of healing has taken place. I slink back into feelings of anger, frustration, and blame for things that were my fault, and then have to remind myself that ownership will be the biggest part of reconciling my feelings of abandonment. I cry out to God in frustration, begging him to bring me somewhere else because I hate where I am so much (physically, emotionally, spiritually) because I failed to recognize a destructive pattern that should have been dealt with two years ago before moving into a new season of life and ministry. I'm no longer able to contain and maintain all the garbage I've tried to sweep under the rug that I don't feel the need to change about myself. Let's face it: no one wants to deal with the reality of who they are.
I've piled up my emotions, my ego, my hurt of events in the last two to three years, and instead I've tried to use intellect, competency, and criticism as defense mechanisms to keep everything under my rug. I've never been able to confidently express what I needed or say how I felt to adequately process through feelings and perceptions, and instead chose to internally process until I was so frustrated I just said the first thing that came to my mind.
I have felt like I have been walking through this alone and in the dark...
All I've wanted is gasoline and a match to make these problems go away.
I have to say, though, thank goodness for grace.
Thank goodness for a God who doesn’t abandon us even when we feel like we have been by him because he feels so far away at times.
Thank goodness for loving arms to run into when comfort is needed and everywhere else is empty and dark. Thank goodness for God reminding me that I’m not alone in all this, and for reminding me of the amazing people he has put in my life to walk through this season with me. Just like with any experience in life there are good days and bad days (sometimes weeks...), but in the midst of pain I can see the places where healing has taken place, and where God whispers, “No, that was you. Own it and seek forgiveness for it.”
My hope in writing this is to ask you, beg you, seasoned servants of the Kingdom, please don't give up on your young leaders even if you think you’re out of options. They need you to guide them, to cry with them, to yell out in frustration with them, to intercede for them, to let them know you’re in it together until you figure it out, to be there for them, to not give up on them when it feels like everyone else has or they have given up on themselves. Teach them to take ownership and responsibility and to not just sweep things under the rug like they don't matter. Find best solutions with them, even if one of them may be asking them to step down for a period of time or permanently. Breathe life into their tired and frustrated souls the way someone did for you when you were a slightly arrogant twenty-something in ministry.
Thank goodness for hard seasons.
Thank goodness for grace.
I don't know what it's like because I've never experienced it, but I think I'm starting to understand how it might feel.
The sudden instability of life, the lies you begin to tell yourself, the guilt you feel of not fixing something sooner or saying something earlier. The hurt, the loss, the grief that follows. All the things I know I've been feeling lately as I continue to process the events of the last five months, and trying to find the good that will come out of it all.
I have this horrible, lingering feeling of abandonment and it plagues my heart and causes me to forget the hope I've found in what amount of healing has taken place. I slink back into feelings of anger, frustration, and blame for things that were my fault, and then have to remind myself that ownership will be the biggest part of reconciling my feelings of abandonment. I cry out to God in frustration, begging him to bring me somewhere else because I hate where I am so much (physically, emotionally, spiritually) because I failed to recognize a destructive pattern that should have been dealt with two years ago before moving into a new season of life and ministry. I'm no longer able to contain and maintain all the garbage I've tried to sweep under the rug that I don't feel the need to change about myself. Let's face it: no one wants to deal with the reality of who they are.
I've piled up my emotions, my ego, my hurt of events in the last two to three years, and instead I've tried to use intellect, competency, and criticism as defense mechanisms to keep everything under my rug. I've never been able to confidently express what I needed or say how I felt to adequately process through feelings and perceptions, and instead chose to internally process until I was so frustrated I just said the first thing that came to my mind.
I have felt like I have been walking through this alone and in the dark...
All I've wanted is gasoline and a match to make these problems go away.
I have to say, though, thank goodness for grace.
Thank goodness for a God who doesn’t abandon us even when we feel like we have been by him because he feels so far away at times.
Thank goodness for loving arms to run into when comfort is needed and everywhere else is empty and dark. Thank goodness for God reminding me that I’m not alone in all this, and for reminding me of the amazing people he has put in my life to walk through this season with me. Just like with any experience in life there are good days and bad days (sometimes weeks...), but in the midst of pain I can see the places where healing has taken place, and where God whispers, “No, that was you. Own it and seek forgiveness for it.”
My hope in writing this is to ask you, beg you, seasoned servants of the Kingdom, please don't give up on your young leaders even if you think you’re out of options. They need you to guide them, to cry with them, to yell out in frustration with them, to intercede for them, to let them know you’re in it together until you figure it out, to be there for them, to not give up on them when it feels like everyone else has or they have given up on themselves. Teach them to take ownership and responsibility and to not just sweep things under the rug like they don't matter. Find best solutions with them, even if one of them may be asking them to step down for a period of time or permanently. Breathe life into their tired and frustrated souls the way someone did for you when you were a slightly arrogant twenty-something in ministry.
Thank goodness for hard seasons.
Thank goodness for grace.
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