Caught in the Middle

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle.  I try to keep going but it's not that simple.  I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle. Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter.  Yeah I'm caught in the middle. (Caught in the Middle, Paramore)

I'm at war with myself internally.

I'm trying to do all the things and be all the things and have the skills necessary for things a pastor supposedly does, but there's something in my spirit kicking back on all of it. I can't help but laugh to myself because none of this surprises me. I've had people say to me, "You know I look at your sister and then I look at you and I think yeah you're the rebellious one in the family." And I don't think they're wrong (although she would disagree).

I've never liked fitting the mold; I've never liked going along with trendy things (or it takes me a while to get there), and I've always tried to purposely kick back against other people's expectations and prove that what they want from me isn't what they're going to get.

And I'm learning that (in a non-arrogant or cocky way) this is okay.

I'm slowly learning that I don't think I'll ever fit the pastoral "mold" (whatever that's supposed to look like). I'm a circle trying relentlessly to fit myself inside a square peg, and any other examples you can think of for when things just don't quite fit. As much as I love working out of a church building and in an office, I'm just not sure if a 9-5 Monday to Friday confinement to one space is where I'm supposed to be. I've been so worried and focused on forcing myself to fit inside the box of being a "perfect pastor" (because we all know those exist!) that somewhere along the way I've lost or have yet to fully grasp the uniqueness of God's call on my life to be different, to be unconventional, to be anything but normal.

God is for sure working and moving in my life in a way that I can't express. Literally, I have no words for it not because it's so awesome but because I have zero knowledge of what it is or how to articulate it. I thought I had it figured out and was good to go, but something else has been happening that I can't quite put my finger on. I've been wanting to write about it and find some way to say it, but all I've known how to do is sit and stare at the drafts I've not been able to complete.

I feel the feeling of being caught in between a rock and a hard place, but somehow I also feel the hope and expectation of breaking out of this. I'm caught in the middle of another painful yet beautiful season of my life, and to be honest I wouldn't change it; I didn't want to change it before and I wouldn't dream about changing it now. There's this slight notion of, "I'm in way too early of a stage of my ministry to be going through this," and yet there is a bit of relief that says, "Now you know what to do for when this comes around again."

It's crazy to think I'm coming down to the end of the first year of my residency, and I have already become aware of so much of me through the wonderful gift that is going to counseling. Seriously if you've thought about going and never have, don't wait any longer because you'll regret it! I know I'm not 100% in the clear and there's still more that God is going to have to do in me as I navigate this "middle" and continue to try and buck the system :)

Pray for me friends, as I wrestle and seek and wrestle some more.
I am always thankful for, and always in awe of, the grace of God in these seasons.